Faking it as I Go Along

This semester feels different, that’s obvious, there is more to do and more to think about. There is more pressure, especially with essays and, especially, thinking about what exactly I want to write about for my dissertation. Thinking about internships and potential jobs, I can get ahead of myself, but if it doesn’t happen now, it will never happen. Based on the last couple of weeks going to exhibitions, a symposium (lectures) at the Whitechapel Gallery, which, in a sense, did help, and through lectures, ideas are coming to light. But the thing is, it seems, I float from one idea to another and I can’t figure out exactly what I want to do. The fact that we are already having discussions for what our dissertations are going to be may seem helpful, but there is so much more pressure that we’re doing it so early, although it really isn’t that early. I still have time to change ideas from one thing to another, so ask me again in a month what I want to write about, though I’m pretty sure I won’t change my general idea.  I'm worried my idea won’t be good enough or interesting enough or there won’t be enough material/texts. It makes me want to curl up in a ball, I can’t so I just write out ideas and talk them through with family, friends or classmates. I know what I want to write for my essay in my Contemporary Photography class, I just have to pose a question.

I finally got my grade back from my Photography and Difference class, I did a little better then expected. That was the essay that I had to leave the States to go back to London so early for, only to get really sick and start researching/writing 5 days before it was due. So considering how shitty of a start I had, it was a good grade for what I wrote.

I sometimes worry more often then I think I do and I end up procrastinating, avoid what needs to be done by doing something else, case in point, I’m writing this blog when I should be researching. We have our meetings about our dissertation, mine is sometime next week, I’m hoping to get a more solidified idea, get a head start on a timeline. It doesn’t help that my mind wanders around a lot, jumping from ideas, what to do, where to go, and so on. I end up thinking or daydreaming about other things instead of what I should be focused on, fantastic, ok not really. My head needs to get out of the clouds sometimes and I need to stop thinking about things that happened over a month or so ago.

When I try to figure things out I start to worry, which sometimes leads to stress and lately anxiety, for some inexplicable reason. It’s why I want a tattoo on my wrist that says breathe, and yes I know it’s corny and simple. The fact is, at least in my reasoning, if I look at it, it just means life is or can be easier if I don’t sweat about the small things.

So the remedy is to have a glass wine or some cider at night and just have fun when I can.